Atheist's World

एउटा नौलो प्रयास!!

2011-06-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

एका बिहानैको मिर्मिरेमा व्हिस्कीको चुस्की लिंदै विलिन हुन लागेको चन्द्रमा टटोल्दै निन्द्रादेवीको पर्खाईमा बसीरहेको छु| रातभरिको अनिदो शरीर थकित छ| आँखाहरु लोलाईसकेका छन् तैपनि निन्द्रा भने लागेको छैन| मनमा अनेकौं कुराहरु खेलिरहेका छन्| निन्द्राको अभावले हो कि व्हिस्की को नशाले हो, ठम्याउने प्रयत्न गरिन मैले|

मैले त्यसदिन पक्कै पनि आफुले आफुलाई नंग्याउने अठोट गरेको हुनुपर्छ| गाँजा र चरेश को धुँवामा रुमल्लिएको ति दिनहरुको स्मरणले मस्तिस्क ताजा भयो| क्याम्पसको कक्षाहरु छोडेर माथि बुढासुब्बा डाँडामा राँगाको सुकुटीको साथमा छ्याँग र निगार पिएको झझल्को आयो मनमा| क्याम्पस जाने निउमा होस्टेलबाट एउटा कापी च्यापेर हिड्थे म, तर मेरो दिन बित्थ्यो छाता चोकको पूल हाउसमा| घर बाट ट्युसन पढ्न मागेको पैसा (भविस्यमा डाक्टर, इन्जिनियर बन्न I.Sc. पढदै गरेको छोरोले मागेको, बाऊले नपठाउन पनि कसरी) गिल म्यारी र चुरोटमा सकिन्थ्यो| कोरेक्स र प्रोक्सिबोनको खर्च चाहिँ बेला-बेलामा किताब किन्ने बहानामा पुरा गरिन्थ्यो|

यसैबीच एकदिन घर गएको, आमालाई देखिन| बाऊले घरबाट निकाली सकेछन्| भाई-बहिनीहरुले रुँदै सुनाए| दु:ख लाग्यो, बाऊसँग ठुलो महाभारत भयो, मेरो केहि लागेन, कसैको केहि लागेन| म धरान फर्के, फेरी त्यही सुन्दर संसारमा| I.Sc. प्रथम वर्ष त जसोतसो पास गरियो| मेरा पखेटाहरु झनै ठुला भए, जाँड-रक्सिको ठाउँ कोरेक्स र प्रोक्सिबोनले लियो| साथमा ब्राउन सुगर पनि थपियो| ब्राउन सुगरको साथ चाहिँ क्षणिक थियो| सारै महँगो, जहीतही नपाउने र मैले त्यसको आनन्द पनि त्यति लिन सकिन|

मेरो दिनचर्या यसरी नै व्यतित हुँदै गयो| बेला बेलामा आमालाई भेट्न जान्थे| "राम्ररी पढ्नु, ज्ञानी हुनु, बाऊसंग झगडा नगर्नु, ठुलो मान्छे बन्नु अनि मलाई नबिर्सिनु" भनेर सम्झाउन्थिन| आमाको कुराले मन चसक्क हुन्थ्यो| एक-दुई दिन मजाले पढ्थे, नोट-सोट सार्थे| कक्षाहरु सबै जान्थे| तर के गर्ने, कुकुरको पुच्छर बाह्र वर्ष भुंग्रोमा राखे नि बांगै भने झैँ म पनि तेस्रो दिन देखि फेरी त्यही नविन हुन्थे| आमालाई नबिर्सिने, ज्ञानी बन्ने सोचहरु सबै विलिन हुन्थे|

हुँदा-हुँदा समय बितेको पत्तै पाईएन| दोस्रो वर्षको परीक्षा पनि सकियो| घर गइयो, बाऊले डान्स रेस्टुरेन्ट खोलेका रहेछन्| त्यही डान्स रेस्टुरेन्टको झिलिमिलीमा एक-डेढ वर्ष मस्त रमाइलो गरियो| दोस्रा वर्षको परिक्षामा असफल भइयो| दुई वर्षे I.Sc. को खुड्कीलो पार गर्न तिन वर्ष लाग्यो| केटीहरु पनि सजिलै आए सजिलै गए तर व्हिस्कीले साथ छोडेन|

अचानक आफुले आफुलाई मध्यदिनमा मरुभूमिको बिचमा लडिरहेको पाँए| टाडा क्षितिजबाट कोहि आउँदै गरेको देखें| यसो नियालेर हेरेको एउटा भीमकाय प्राणी मै तिर लम्किरहेको थियो निकै तेज गतिमा, हातमा विशाल हतियार लिएर| हत्त न पत्त आँखा खोलेको, म त गुडगांवको आफ्नै कोठा माथिको छतको डिलमा टाउको अडेश लाएर निदायछु| हाथमा भएको व्हिस्कीको गिलासले भने साथ छोडेको रहेनछ| खुशी लाग्यो, आनन्दको अनुभूति भयो| व्हिस्कीको एक अन्तिम चुस्की पिए अनि आफ्नो बिस्तरा तिर लम्के, एउटा नया दिनको आशमा|

P.S. खाडी मुलुकको एउटा घर बाट कता कता मेरो कानमा "थुक्क जाँडे" को गुन्जन गुन्जियो| :-p

Falling off a cliff..

2011-02-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

I slipped on the edge and fell off the cliff. My sorroundings zoomed and passed by me in flashes as I rolled over tumbling to the chasm below. I struggled, swinging my arms and legs desperately hoping against hope that I would strike something that would stop me. I took bumps on my knees and my head occassionally bounced off the rocks. I tried to grasp the rock with my bare hands but was no match against the mighty pull of the gravity sucking me to its pit. As I approached the end of the chasm, I realized there were a lot of things yet to be done and the worst would be to give up trying. Twigs and branches snapped off as I tried to hold on to them and I rolled on continuing to fall. There was a sudden pain on my left wrist and a searing pain rushed through my body in a flash. Everything was numb then. There was no pain, I wasn't feeling anything. Instinctively I stretched my right hand and grabbed the branch with both hands as I clung to it with my dear life.

I tried to lift my head above to see how low I had fallen and could only see the clear blue sky. I shifted my sight below and could see the never ending stretch of the barren rock heading towards the chasm. I moved my head around and could only see the barren rock stretched on my sides. I was dangling by a branch that swayed around dangerously in the middle of nowhere with the deep dark chasm below. I could hear the birds chirp and animals roar in joy. Even those in wild were mocking my fate. There was an eagle soaring by in the majestic blue sky. I was at my nadir but still alive. I tried to move my legs and searched for a wedge to rest them but the whole body burnt in agonizing pain.

I felt for a moment that it would be easier to just let go off the branch and bring an end to this wretched life. The thought of leaving behind the ordeal with such a simple act as letting go off that branch and embracing death was very tempting but a big question loomed over my head. What if? What if I don't die instantly? What if I land and just end up breaking all of my bones? What if I end up paralysed in the mysterious valley beneath with insects, mice and those wild animals crawled all over my body feeding off me while I am still breathing, still alive? That mere thought sent shivers down my spine. I had to try every bit till I had one last breath left in me. The scary 'what if' forced me to search that wedge even more frantically. There it was!

As I rested my leg on it and inched my way up, I saw more of those cracks and wedges that would help me climb up. All I needed was patience, perseverance, dedication, self-belief and not giving up. The journey was to be a very difficult one (putting it mildly) and too slow but being in the nadir helped in its own way. I was heading in only one direction and that was upwards. Every inch I gained was an inch away from the pit, away from my nadir. I was severely beaten, battered and bruised. There were bumps on my head and knees and some bones were broken too. There were cuts all over my body. Some mere scratches while some were nasty and deep. Some wounds would go unnoticed while some would leave indelible scars. But they would heal, that I was sure of. Nothing beats time, when it comes to healing, let them be wounds or memories, no matter how bad or nasty they are. I don't how long it took me. I couldn't count them in hours, days or months. I would rather say, it was a significant period but I was finally out on the top, away from the chasm. I had overcome a hurdle. It just felt good to be back on top. Nothing to hold on, to keep me from falling. It felt good to just lie down and stretch my legs and arms as I pleased. It felt good to have the sun's rays kiss my face. It felt as if I had my head on my mom's lap as she stroked my face and put me off to sleep.

Today as I stand on that very edge and look down upon the mysterious chasm below, it brings a smile on my face and a joy that I am alive. A happiness that knows no bounds. How strange it is that the memories of the moment that made you cry, brings a smile to your face and the moment that brought joy, moists your eyes today. As I stand on the edge of the cliff today, neither am I frightened to hit another rock bottom nor am I arrogant and brash that I won't stumble ever again. I am a little more careful and watch my steps. No matter how adventurous I get, I make sure that I take necessary safety precautions. Before I take risks I ensure that the gains are worth the risks. Having said all of that, no matter how careful I am, I can't stop following my heart. No matter how many times I am dumped, I can't stop falling in love. No matter how many times I fail, I can't stop trying. No matter how many times I am betrayed upon, I can't stop trusting. No matter how many times I have tripped over and fallen, I can't stop rising up and walking again. I would rather be dead than not follow my heart.

Weekend at Kari's!!

2011-01-10T06:28:00.000-08:00

Beating the chilly Delhi night with a blower and a laptop resting on my thighs, drinking Scapa with Buff Sukuti, Pork Luncheon Meat, accompanied by a wonderful company. Who could have imagined that a laptop could be so handy. It was very flattering to have her watch while I was cooking. It was indeed very gratifying to sense her joy and have her appreciate the spicy tea with black pepper. We sat listening to playlist comprising of the favourite numbers from Scorpions, G n R, John Lennon, Garth Brooks, Kenny Rogers, Dire Straits, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, Phil Collins, etc. I didn't know "Another Day in Paradise" had a soul version. That was weird in a nice way. Lounging on her cane chair with the blower desperately trying to keep us warm, had me thinking, "Could the night get any better?" I doubted, but yes, falling asleep to the tunes of Kenny G was definitely the icing on the cake. The best time I've ever had in Delhi. Its right up there among the best times I've ever had. I won't thank you for obvious 'cultural' reasons but Kari, you definitely deserve loads of hugs.

The Ordeal continued!!

2010-12-28T05:31:00.000-08:00

We knew that for the next 12 days we wouldn't be eating any salt. I was ok as I thought its just 12 days, its just gonna fly away. Wishful thinking, I bet it was!! That evening just passed by eating lots of oranges, few apples and a couple of potatoes with sugar and black pepper. There were quite a few people who would stay there all night long giving us company.

Its a belief that the soul of the dead body strays around on earth for 13 days and hence the rituals (kiriya) for that many days. Only upon completion of the rituals, the soul heads for the heaven, so it is said. During these 13 days, the immediate family members who are in kiriya are considered impure and are supposed to be vulnerable to attacks by the straying soul. Hence, people giving us company or simply kurawas.

The next day began with the Brahmin waking us up early in the morning. We were to take a bath. Never in our (me and my brother) lives had we taken a bath early in the morning that too with cold water. We always take a shower mid-day. It definitely took us more than an effort to pour that first lota (brass vessel) of water on our head. Being in the terai really helped as the water pulled by the hand pumps are luke warm during the winters and cold during the summers. As I poured water on myself, I couldn't stop wondering how would people accomplish this in the hilly areas where the water is icy cold. We were not even allowed a towel to wipe ourselves dry or wrap onto so changing the clothes would be a task as we would be out in the open and there would be someone or the other keeping a watch on us.

It was my brother's duty to cook rice with milk which was to be rolled onto a ball (pinda) and offered by me (the eldest son) to the straying soul (aatma). Upon completing the ritual, we cooked rice and served dollops of it on 3 separate banana leaves for mom, brother and myself. The brahmin then dropped some sugar, cucumber, bits of roughly crushed ginger and a huge serving of ghee. That was our lunch. Bon appetit!! I could not swallow more than a mouthful and off it went to the dustbin as my relatives started shouting, yelling and some even pleading with me. I just waived off at them and walked away.

The evening was more eventful with people dropping by to play cards while I decided to make something eatable out of those peanuts, potatoes and various edible roots. I boiled those potatoes and deep fried them on ghee with the peanuts. It was definitely a treat to watch that smile on brother's and mom's face while they hungrily ate them. I too loved them, was delicious! How I missed some salt and hot chillies?

That was the routine for the next 11 days as I eagerly looked forward to the evening while I counted down every passing hour. After a couple of days I realized that every single part of the left side of my body was sore. It was so bad that even a slight touch would send me shivers of pain. The remaining days would be spent lying down on my right side or walking around bare feet as I wondered the meaning of salt in my life. How much I missed it, how much I missed the simple daal, bhaat, tarkari? It also made me realize how unfaithful we are to those little gifts of life that we so overlook unless we are faced with dire situations.

On the 10th day, there was a big feast where 12 brahmins were fed. I am not sure if any of them complained of an upset stomach later but I sure was drooling on their food. With the completion of the 13th day rituals, we were finally fed a good meal. It wasn't anything fancy, just simple daal, bhat, tarakari and aloo ko achar, I am sure it wouldn't even have met my attention any other day. But that day, it was a treat. I am sure I haven't eaten as much even on those occasions when I have been stoned. Someone looking at me eating that day would, I guess, surely have felt that I hadn't eaten all my life. I had shut all my remaining senses to relish the sense of taste.

After my lunch was over and as I sat in the chair, I realized that I was feeling drowsy. Was it due to the amount of food or just the amount of salt? I was in a state of high. A salt-induced high, I suppose. I had heard about it for the umpteenth time but was a first-hand experience. I felt content. I felt content that I was now able to tingle my taste buds again with the spices of life. A vacuum was created by dad's passing away and will not be filled, neither with time nor with any amount of mourning. It will not be healed with any amount of laments. However, a cliche it is, "life goes on." With this, I hope to put a period on my narration of those arduous moments but I can't promise.

The Ordeal Begins...

2010-12-28T05:04:00.000-08:00

As my dad's body lay sitting cross-legged on the wall, me and my brother sat in either flanks. With the rooster's call, the new day dawned on us and my head was filled with turbulent thoughts. I approached dad's eldest brother and informed him about my decision of not doing the rituals. Within minutes my decision was ridiculed upon, and I was branded an outcast. I was given a choice that I could either choose to leave, not being allowed to carry the family name any further or just carry on with the rituals. Of course, they gave me half an hour to make my decision. Honestly speaking I could have just got up, carried my bag and walked away. I didnt give a rat's ass to what people thought about me. I wouldn't let anyone dictate the terms of life to me. I decided giving a last glance towards mom before I walked away. I could see her still red-eyes full of tears just looking at me intently as if to say, "please, don't go away." Then sister came to me and whispered, "With dad's passing away, a chapter in our life has ended. Please do not start a new chapter. You do not care about the society and we all love and respect you for what you've done till date. You will walk away and leave. You might never even return back. But what about us? We can't walk away from this society. We have to live here among all these people and we need them. Most of all we need you at this hour." My little sister had indeed grown up and I guess outsmarted me.

As I poured water over my head, I felt numb. I sat there as a cousin started off with his barber skills. I could not even feel those rough strokes of the razor on my scalp. As the first lock dropped to my feet, I felt choked, it was a surreal feeling as if I wasn't even there. Then in an instant the reality seeped in, the dread got blurred and I couldn't hold back a tear drop. 7 years of patience and rebelliousness had such a forceful and unfortunate ending. One by one the locks dropped until the count reached 32. I then realized I had lost them, lost all of them for good. I could definitely wait for another 7 years but the lost ones aren't going to be back. So there I was, from a Rastafarian to a Monk in a jiffy.

The body was place in a cross-legged sitting position in the special bamboo stretcher which also had a back rest that supported to the body. The body was then taken to our farmland which has a special burial land where the deceased bodies of the family members are buried in close proximity to each other. By the time we reached, a burial spot had been selected and a roughly five-feet cube had already been dug out. We went around the spot 3 times with the bamboo stretcher on our shoulders after which the body was laid at the bottom of the pit. A lot of stuffs was then thrown into the pit as the brahmin was reading out sanskrit verses of some purana, the last of which were a set of mom's churas 'glass bangles'. We then threw in a handful of salt and walked away while the mason was set on sealing the pit.

Me and my brother were then asked to pour a bucket of water on ourselves with the clothes on. We were handed out pieces of white clothes of varied sizes. A small but long piece of cloth was rolled to be made like a thick string (kandani) that was supposed to be tied around the waist to hold the loin cloth. Another piece of white cloth was a makeshift loin cloth (kachchha). We were also given a piece of white cloth to be tied on our bald head, another to be put around our neck and the last piece of cloth was a fairly larger and used to wrap our waist extending upto the knees. These would be our garb for 13 days. It took me a moment to realize we somehow had become untouchables. We were to cook our own food. Anything we asked for (if we could have it) were rolled on or thrown to us. We were to sleep on a makeshift bed made of a couple of layers of straw and a blanket woven of very rough fibres (radi). We were not even allowed to sit on benches or chairs. As I was creeping about it, I heard someone say, "You call this unfair. Wait and watch." And so I did..

My Calling rendering me Insomniac!!

2010-12-20T16:11:00.000-08:00

Since dad's passing, I've had some harsh realizations. Life in itself is nothing but a mere journey. All of us are travellers who co-incidentally happen to just bump across each other. With some, the journey is brief, with a lot of others it is even briefer. The only real destination is either the funeral pyre on which we are burnt to ashes or the ground beneath where we are laid and fed upon by the maggots.

Getting good grades, landing a good job, owning a car, owning a house, falling in love, marriage, settling down, having kids, having a family are all the norms of life. It was done in the past so its an unwritten law and meant to be just followed. No questions asked. When something is done repeatedly over a period of time, it automatically becomes the law of the nature. Its like the points of attractions you have on your travel guidebooks. So, they are a "must do".

If a guy/gal decides that he/she doesn't want to get married, he is considered either insane or a gay (no pun intended). If someone doesn't want to be a part of the rat race, he/she is considered to be incompetent. The reaction is the same when someone gets blown off when he/she visits Agra and decides not to visit the Taj Mahal. Its definitely not necessary that Taj Mahal would charm everyone. Why can't we accept each other for who they are? Just live and Let Die. Everyone's got the right to choose to die if they can choose to live.

Coming back to my realization, dad and me have always had a rocky relationship. I accept that he wasn't a perfect human being however he was the best dad. He had always been ill, ever since I remember. Not seriously ill, more of a recurring illness. Never saw him sit under the fan in 28 years of my life, may be 25 that I have memories of. People had to switch off their fans or air-conditions if they wanted him in the room. Never saw him drink a glass of cold water. Even in the harshest of summers. Never in my life. He never smoked a cigarette nor drank. The only liquor I saw him drink was the first sip of beer when one does a "cheers!" along with a bunch of pals and medicines, ohh yea..loads of them. Yet, I never imagined that he would leave us. Not now, not when it happened. I sure hadn't expected it when he called me home last March (after a gap of about 4-5 years). Yes, we had a fallout, had some irreconcilable differences and decided to go different ways. It was more of me walking out on him than he on me.

The reason for the callup was he wanted me to get married which I obviously denied. What better could be expected of a REBEL? The reason was nothing besides not being ready. What would I have done had I known it would be the last thing he ever asked of me? I am not sure as there are no ifs and buts in life but I do not regret my decision. I just followed my heart. However, a lot of things were left unsaid. I am sure I wasn't able to convince him. He must have surely felt hurt or did he accept my decision. I will never know that. While he was on his death bed, everytime he got out of his drugs-induced unconsciousness, he wanted to talk. I know he had lots of things he wanted to tell us but he never could. Every time he tried to speak and he wasn't able to, he just stared upwards to the ceiling with eyes full of tears and realizing that he was helpless, just shut his eyes and let the tears flow away. There were so many things each of us wanted to tell him. Some we managed to and he responded by those little nods but I am sure he had more to tell us than we had to tell him.

Its just so weird that even though we are all aware about the uncertainties of life and death, we decide to become so ungrateful to the niceties of life. We are so engrossed in the rat race and walking the beaten path that we forget the very essence of life, LIVING IT. We forget to appreciate the very fact that we are alive and are more bothered about money, more money and more money. What am I doing here in a foreign land living away from my mom and brother when it is now that they need me the most? I need to find a purpose in life. I need to know what I want of it. I know we need money. Thats the basic necessity of life like water and food. But for how long? How much do I need? What else do I need to sacrifice in achieving that? What is it that I really want to make out of this life? What is my calling? These bloody questions are surely rendering me insomniac.

Dad, May you RIP!!

2010-12-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

I went inside the ICU and although I was briefed about his situation, I wasn't ready for what was laid in front of me. There was my dad in the state of drug-laden unconsciousness. His semi-bald head covered with hair longer than I had ever seen them. His always dyed hair was almost all-grey. His beard looked like someone had carelessly chopped them off. He was almost engulfed in a mess of wires and pipes. His arms had ballooned off and there were hardly any space without a prick mark. His chest was thumping in an unusual and artificial manner because of the ventilator pumping air in and out of his lungs. I called out "baba" a couple of times only to be met with the slow humming noise of the ventilator.

I then had a lengthy discussion with the doctor. Apparently, dad's both lungs had collapsed to such an extent that they were not able to breath in enough air, hence the ventilator. His blood pressure was very unstable. His kidneys were also affected and he was a known diabetic. His gall bladder stone and hernia were a trifle and didn't even figure in our discussion. The doctor informed me that we could keep him in the ventilator for months or take him home, the choice was ours. However, he also added that there hadn't been an iota of improvement in the past 2 days since he was in ICU.

I walked out dejected and we had a long session of discussion between myself, mom, sister, brother and some cousins. We came to an unanimous decision of taking him home. As we were making arrangements, there were also quite a few visitors coming to check him. One of those visitor came to us after visiting dad and casually informed us that dad's condition was okay and he recognized the visitor. Initially we brushed it aside thinking he was one of those exaggerating lots who would go on about how dad talked to them and all the bullshit.

However after a while, I decided to check back on dad myself one more time. So, I took my brother along with me and there he was with his eyes wide open staring at the ceiling above him. This time when I called out "baba", he turned his head towards us and instantly he had his eyes full of tears. He then tried to lift his head, open his mouth as if to say something. It had been almost 3 days that he had uttered his last words. He was struggling to raise his hand and pull out the ventilator's pipe off his mouth. I held his struggling hand, asked him to relax and told him everything would be fine now that I was there with him. He nodded his head meekly as if saying, "No son, nothing's gonna be fine."

The nurses butted in and roughly tried to pull his hands apart to tie them so that he wouldn't yank the pipes off. I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!! No one's tying my dad's hands". I asked them to back off and also assured them that I wouldn't let dad struggle as I tried to calm him down. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I then pulled brother out and sent mom and sister in as the fucking hospital didn't have any spare gowns.

After a while mom and sister came out wailing. It took me a while to control both of them and we agreed that we would not take him home that day. We returned back the next morning and was disappointed to find out that dad's condition had detiorated. Hence, we decided to take him home.

We drove back in an ambulance with us continuously pumping air using a portable ventilator. Upon reaching home the rituals of "gai daan" was completed. Dad got out of his consciousness sometime late in the evening and started struggling again. He was definitely responding to the different voices calling him 'baba', 'kaka', 'bhai', 'daju'. His teary-eyes searched for those voices while he struggled with the ventilator's pipe stuffed through his throat. When he replied with a positive nod to a question posed by my sister if he was feeling uncomfortable with the pipe and should we take it out, that was it for us. We couldn't see him suffer anymore. Once the pipe was replaced with an oxygen mask, he was calm and off to a sleep. He bade adieu to us at 11:50 pm on Monday evening, 15th of November '10 without uttering a word in 5 days. As a part of our traditions, we made his body sit cross legged with the back resting against the wall. As all of us were sobbing and trying to come to terms with the eternal truth, I knew it would be a long night ahead. The only thought striking my head was a few lines from "Kaalmahima", a poem by KabiShiromani Leknath Poudel:

भाका, भूल, दया, क्षमा र ममता, सन्तोष जान्दैन त्यो,
इन्द्रै बिन्ति गरुन् झुकेर पदमा त्यो बिन्ति मान्दैन त्यो,
थुप्रोमा उधिनी मिठो र नमिठो रोजेर छान्दैन त्यो,
खाता जाँची सबै दुरुस्त नबुझी बिर्सेर हान्दैन त्यो ।१।

राजा रङ्क सबै समान उसका वैषम्य गर्दैन त्यो,
आयो टप्प टिप्यो, लग्यो, मिति पुग्यो टारेर र्टर्दैन त्यो,
लाखौँ औषध अस्त्रशस्त्र महिमा देखेर र्डर्दैन त्यो,
व्याधातुल्य लुकेर चल्दछ सदा मारेर मर्दैन त्यो ।२।

When the GOING gets TOUGH, the TOUGH gets GOING!!

2010-09-10T01:39:00.000-07:00

Always kept telling myself, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED and yet today when I am at CROSSROADS LEADING TO NOWHERE, I realize that I ain't prepared to accept that LIFE INDEED IS A NASTY BITCH!

However, on second thoughts, I ask myself what would I have done if LIFE WAS A SMOOTH SAIL. I know not the answers. I don't pretend to be the ENLIGHTENED ONE. All I can say is yes, LIFE'S BEEN A BITCH and ITS SCREWED ME WITH ALL ITS MIGHT but I have enjoyed every minute of it so, HELL YEA!! BRING IT ON BABY!..I dare you and I promise you I'LL BOUNCE BACK EVEN STRONGER!

My locks are a year old!!

2010-08-20T05:35:00.001-07:00

The frowns of middle-aged men and women,

the kids sticking their tongues out ever so slightly,

the gutsier ones requesting to touch and feel them,

some express their complements,

while some dare with their disparagements

some turning their heads to get a second glance

all in all am enjoying the attention

..one year of dreading and still going strong.

Missing Goa..

2010-04-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Basking on the morning sun on my little patio,
Rolling a joint with a chilled Kingfisher by my side,
couldn't start the day any better.
Getting messy eating the crabs, the sea food platter
The gorgeous view of the sea and,
the sound of waves lapping against the shore.
All of it is washed away like the sands of time
All that remains now is memory, a mere memory.
Missing GOA.

Back again!!

2010-04-23T02:55:00.001-07:00

Its been almost a year now that I've not updated anything on my blog. Not that nothing's happened worth mentioning. On the contrary, I just haven't had the time. My travel experiences to Goa is incomplete and the diary is languishing in some corner. My dreads are almost a year old now. Now with the change in shift timings and more importantly a comp at home itself, I guess I can be more regular at blogging but no promises, yet.

Smoking!!

2009-05-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

It was around half past 4 Sunday morning. I had been very restless for sometime and not being able to focus properly. My heartbeat had increased by two folds and I had this huge lump on my throat. My mind was flooded with these crazy thoughts over which I had no control whatsoever. I paced around the floor trying to make sense of what I had just encountered. I stepped out on the balcony of my cabin and felt the cool breeze and tried to calm myself but that didn't help a bit.

I then thought that maybe a cigarette would do the trick. So, I got myself a cigarette from the cafeteria. The first puff though a bit bitter certainly did help in calming down my nerves. I popped in a Ginger Halls and continued smoking. It definitely tasted better or shall i say, sweeter. I definitely had calmed down by the time I discarded the butt. I had definitely calmed though I don't know for sure what it was due to. The cigarette or just the diversion of thoughts. I certainly felt a bit dizzy and suddenly the cool breeze just got colder. There I had just smoked my first cigarette since September '08.

Sundays at the Atheist's Lounge-n-Bar!!

2009-04-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

Its been quite sometime that I haven't updated my blog. Nothing much has happened. The same usual stuffs of home and office. Lately, I have been extremely busy at office and the incessant load shedding hasn't helped my cause either.

Sundays are usually spent at home with a quarter of Royal Stag/Signature or Antiquity and some appetizers to go by. The easiest and by far my favorite appetizer is Wai wai sandeko. Just can't get enough of it. I sometimes cook appetizers n other stuffs too. I have tried my hands successfully cooking egg pakoras, hash brown potatoes, beignets, burgers, fish fries, chicken chillies, chicken curry with coconut milk (Malaysian style), etc. Well they have always been 'Finger Licking Good' except for once when the Malaysian Style chicken was too hot coz I ended up using just a few too many dried red chillies. I used almost an entire can of coconut milk in a bid to mellow the taste but to no avail. We managed to finish the entire stuff which signaled that after all it wasn't that bad but we ended up with burning tongues and exhaling fumes from all over. But no worries, it was an experience and after all practice makes a man perfect...

P.S. Watch this space for some photos which will follow soon..

Pool, Red Label and bandh...

2009-01-06T08:45:00.000-08:00

It was one of those days, or in fact nights at office. Nothing I did seemed going my way. A lot of people who know me the slightest bit know how bad I am at controlling emotions. Every question irked me, every single voice irritated me. It got worst everytime the boss yelled, "score". I am sure the boys were trying their bit but it was a Saturday and most of the businesses were shut. I have never been very fond of working on Saturdays.

I could not wait for the shift to get over so when the clock struck 8, Sunday morning, I hurried out of the office.

"Nabin, wait I am also coming", a friend shouted as I got stranded in the staircase.
"Lets go and play some pool", he said as we met.
I couldn't resist the urge to strike the cue ball after such a long time. So, there we were in the pool house at 8 in the morning with a bottle of Red Label abd few packets of Lays and Kurkure. There could not have been a better start to a Sunday, I thought so.

We started with a frame of snooker and it suddenly got bored because we were simply not being able to pot the balls. Our skills had developed rusts due to lack of practice. We decided to abandon the frame and moved to pool where we fared a lot better. Was it the lesser distance between the balls and the pockets or was it the ever growing effects of whiskey? Or both?

Soon the pool house was filled with students from a nearby college. For some, it was a dating spot while for others it was a refuge from their boring lectures. We noticed that a couple of guys were huddled around a nearby corner rolling joints. We had almost drowned a bottle of Red Label so we didn't hesitate to ask for few puffs. After a bottle of Red Label and a couple of rolls of joints between us, we were broke and ready to leave.

He decided to drop me to home but when we were approaching Kalimati, we realized that there was a huge commotion and people had gathered out on the streets and were burning tires and effigies and yelling slogans. Had it been any normal day, we would have just turn around and taken a different route. But today was different. There were these two guys high on whiskey and joints, full of confidence that they were smart and gutsy enough to ride through the mob and reach their destination. Did we really stand a chance?

It was a matter of few seconds before a group of kids stood in front of us holding fist-sized rocks in their hands ready to hurl them at anyone who defied them. Kids, who wouldn't be able to spell 'politics' correctly. They were there because the schools had simply shut down because of the bandhs. They were happy just to be there because that gave them a chance to come out and play in the open. It also gave them immense power and for once they could have adults obeying their commands.

Within seconds, they were accompanied by a few 'leaders' who once in a while were threatening to burn the bike. I got off the bike and asked my friend to drag it to the side while I talked to the 'leader'. My friend was also smart enough to switch off the bike and keep the key in his pocket before someone else from the mob could do the honours.

"Jhyaap ho?", someone from the mob asked. Are you drunk?
"Ali ali good ma", I replied. I am on a high.

I don't know what did the trick but they let us return back without much of a hassle.

I don't remember where exactly he dropped me but I remember telling him, "You can drop me here. I'll take an auto or a micro."

"Are you sure?", he asked.
"Yea. You bet.", I replied. I then hopped on an auto, the ones that run on LPG gas.

I woke up with the scorching mid-day sun striking my face, my leather sandals stuck to my feet and my black jeans pants hot enough to cook an omelette on its surface. I was being dry roasted due to the whole-steel frame of the auto and also realized that I was the only passenger. First thing I did was shift to the interior of the auto so that the sun's scorching rays didn't strike my face directly.

Suddenly, the driver asked, "Utrine haina?" "Yahan bhanda agadi jadaina", he continued. Don't you wanna get down? This is the last stop.

"Kahan ho yo?", I managed to ask him. Where are we?

"Lagankhel", he replied.

I hopped down the auto with squinted eyes giving them some time to get acquainted to the sudden glare of the sun.

I went to the driver and asked him, "kati?" How much?

"Terha rupiya", he replied. Thirteen rupees.

I emptied all the four pockets of my pants and collected a couple of Re. 1 coins and another couple of Rs. 2 coins amounting to six rupees, which I gracefully handed over to the driver.

"Kasto manchhe raichha, diunsai matera...", he was murmuring, as I continued to walk away.

Drinks on the Terrace

2008-07-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Bye, Goodnight", Rex slurred and staggered away to his destination. Thus, a night of drinking and laughter had come to an end, albeit unwantedly. It was a sunday and the plan had been conspired only a day before, Garcia was the one who initially suggested to have a house party. When I suggested Upstairs (I just love their pork momo) for our hangout he had said that it was pretty expensive. Hence, a consensus was reached for a get together at my place.

I woke up pretty early and after some mundane chores, started preparing for the evening. I decided to prepare few items as appetizers to accompany our drinks. I honestly can't swallow a
sip if there isn't a titbit to nibble on.

Well, Feroze was the first one to show up just after the rain had stopped followed by Jim and Rex. Just after the arrival of Feroze, I cleaned and laid down couple of mats on the terrace. One by one, Alex, Garcia, Oscar, David, turned up.

It was a great evening with dark clouds hovering over us. There were few stars scattered and playing hide-and-seek with the dark clouds. The Kathmandu sky as always was littered with artificial lights glowing atop its concrete jungle. Straight on the horizon, I could see an occasional plane running on the TIA's runway with the mountains as a backdrop. Overall, it was a pleasant evening, not that anyone of us cared much about it with Royal Stag, Tuborg and Surya to accompany us. We bantered Rex for his very public crush for a colleague, chaffed Alex on how he was able to woo someone in a matter an hour, and so and so forth. Each banter would have to be a very thought out one as more often than not, it would backfire. After all, this group was a bunch of ace telemarketeers. Once a while, the banter would be directed towards me too which of course would be taken with no offence.

Then the music started. Jim started strumming my brother's guitar while Feroze started with his usual Kailash Kher's 'Tuta Tuta'. Then, it was Kishore Kumar, Rafi, 1974 A.D., Danny Denzongpa and many more as we entered the night. We only woke up off our reverie after drowning the drinks. It was then that everyone realized that they had to fly back to their nests.

P.S. All the characters above are real people with official aliases. Any resemblance to any person is purely deliberate. These aliases are used not to conceal our identity but only to make it easier for the Yankees to get acquainted with.

A Walk to Remember..

2008-05-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

The title has got nothing to do with the romantic flick. Of course, this article has its own romance.

We had been in Darjeeling for the past 2 days and we were yet to see a proper sunshine. A typical monsoon. We had drenched ourselves and managed to visit most of the spots. Although nothing was new to me, I had a company for whom it was a first time. For us city dwellers and more importantly nocturnal creatures, a place like Darjeeling can be very small. The entire city is dead asleep by 8 pm. So, not having much to do and our pockets getting emptier because of the cheap booze and beef (i just love it), we decided it was time for us to leave. Running short of our high end dope too helped the cause. Pashupatinagar, the border to Nepal is an hour's journey and back then they used to charge 60 bucks (Indian Rupees) per head and they don't move unless they can fill 6 people in each of those Maruti vans. For me, the ride has always been worth every little penny, with those narrow roads winding with great esses among the magestic mountains lined by rows of pine trees almost kissing the clouds.

Upon reaching Pashupatinagar at around 2 pm, we realized that it was a bandh. After a bowl of pork thukpa, we decided to hike to Fikkal where we would be staying for the night. It was a bright sunny day and we weren't in any marathon mood. Hence, even after taking shortcuts through the downhill slopes, it took us exactly 2 hours to cover the 10 km journey reaching our destination at 5pm. We entered a roadside tavern and asked for a tongba and a plate of buff sukuti each. In my tipsy state of mind, I jokingly offered my pal to walk for a while to another fictitious destination. Knowing that there was no such destination, I was taken aback when I got the answer in positive. I didn't want to end up looking like a fool but my plan had just backfired. "Be careful what you wish for coz it might come true." I had intended to fool my friend and I was successful. Did I want it? So, what do I do now? The sun had already set beyond the majestic hills in the horizon and the darkness had begun.

There we were, two souls dressed in jeans and tees, each carrying a bag and strolling on the tarred road. We looked more like 2 people on an evening walk than hikers. We walked in our tipsy mood, gleefully capturing each other's moods in films with the serene tea gardens as a backdrop. We were occasionally overtaken by a bunch of villagers pushing carts loaded with empty jerricans on the lookout for drinking water. It's heartening to see each human being go through such an ordeal just to fulfil the most basic of necessities.

We came across a roadside tavern (bhatti), also a solitary house in the area so we decided to step in for a bowl of Wai Wai noodles. There were couple of men already there who were enjoying their drinks and chatting with the old lady's young daughter. The daughter was clearly flirting with the customers but her mom didn't have any problems coz it was inspiring those men to drink more and of course spend more. There were 2 tables that barely seated 6 people and on each table stood a small kerosene lamp that was flickering continuously and was barely enough to illuminate the room. There was also some illumination coming from the firewood stove at the floor in one corner. The silhouette of a couple in a passionate embrace in the far corner could not go unnoticed. It didn't take us a genius' brain to figure out that the silhouetted lady was the old lady's other daughter. Seeing two strangers, they started inquiring and upon hearing our little saga, the old lady offered us a bottle of local booze (tharra) for free. We too were kinda carried away with their coquettish remarks and were tempted to stay their a bit longer but we had other plans. Having quenched our thirst and filled our stomachs, we were on our feet again.

By now, the night had turned pitch dark and it was not even possible to see each others' face. Simply speaking it was zero visibility. We had to make sure while walking we suddenly don't land up in the tea garden below the road. To ensure which, we kept close to the mountainous wall on the side of the road. Of course, the camera was brought to a constant use though we had run out of the films. Until now, I had never known that the camera could be used in any other way besides taking photos. There were wolves howling and running towards us and all we had to do was shoot the camera and the flash would blind the wolves and scare the shit out of them. We had to do this very frequently as different packs of wolves continued following us. We talked about varied topics and whenever we ran short of words we would just remain quiet and continue walking maintaining a steady pace.

We had been walking downhill for almost 9 hours and both of us were beginning to feel the stress on our legs. The soles were burning and I felt the calf muscles would bursts any moment however we continued walking because both of us didn't want to give up. We finally had done walking downhill and reached the plains where the road stretched beyond the horizon. It was here that our real test began. We walked through the never ending road and when we approached a milestone, we would be sure that we had travelled for at least couple of kilometres and then would find out we had only travelled for one kilometre. This was when all our pains would resurface and we felt depressed. We tried stopping couple of speeding vehicles only to realise that they would rather run us down than stop. So, we were sane enough to give up on that idea. Though our pace might have been slower than a tortoise's but we were steady. Suddenly, I decided I had enough and sat down to rest for a while. I realised I had just made a blunder when I tried to get up. I just could not. My legs had just been locked. I somehow lifted myself up, of course with a little bit of help from my friend but then I couldn't move ahead. I had no choice but to give it all I had and finally was able to bring some mobility back. There were cramps all over my legs. I had pulled both the hamstrings and I felt there were blisters on the soles. The road felt like a bed of red hot coals and every step took more than an effort.

I've got blisters on the soles of my feet
Can't walk but I am trying
Oh think twice...

The night had passed by but the moon was still around with the pole star accompanying her. Suddenly, we saw a rickshaw approaching towards us. You can only imagine the joy both of us had when the rickshaw driver applied the brakes a few yards in front of us. We hopped in and the rickshaw-walla started pedaling towards our destination. The cool wind blowing across our face eased all our pain for a moment. I have never enjoyed a rickshaw ride as much. Finally exactly after 14 hours of overnight walk, most of which was downhill, we were back to my room both of us lying down and laughing at our insanity.

"Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints."

P.S. I wanted to accompany this article with few pictures but I have none. We had taken a lot of pictures but the friend has lost it re. I have surely left numerous footprints. If I am ever in the mood, I'll write about the journey that started in Kathmandu but that is another story...

Monday Blues????

2008-03-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

It was a bright, sunny and warm Monday morning. Having slept early the night before, I woke up early, feeling as fresh as a morning dew. I excitedly jumped out of my bed and went to make an international call. As usual, I was disappointed to hear the same recorded voice. So, I decided to while my time away in the net.

Of all the contacts online, there was a girl who I had met and be-friended few years back during an usual Sunday hangout. Though we had met almost 3 years back, we hadn't faced each other ever since. Of course, I used to call her once in a blue moon, but more often than not, it used to be during those Sundays, in good mood. I specially love to talk to people when I am kinda drunk. Normally, I think I am kinda quiet person who doesn't like to talk much. When I am tipsy, drunk, in a good mood or in a high (whatever you call it), its just the opposite. At times, I've locked my cell phone away so that I don't disturb people during odd hours with my insanity.

So here she was, who I had spoken to a numerous times in my drunken state but hadn't meet her even once at my state of sobriety. After exchanging pleasantries, it didn't take me long to figure out that she wasn't feeling her best. I tried my best to cheer her up with some, "the glass is half-full, not half-empty" kinda guffs. I am not sure how well I convinced her but was certainly taken aback, to be invited for a cup of coffee. Although I am not apprehensive to meet people, everything happened so suddenly that it took me a while to come to terms with reality.

As I was waiting for her, there were so many thoughts flashing on my head. Will we able to relate to each other? How well will we get along? Prior to this, we hadn't really communicated with each other. This was nothing better than a "blind date" and honestly speaking, I was pretty skeptical. I've had some pretty bad experiences in the past and that has sometimes pushed me on my backfoot. Having said that, I don't hesitate to take chances in life. I can accept failing but I can't accept the guilt of not trying. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what is inside unless you open it."

So there I was waiting for her in a busy street and she made me wait for almost half an hour but when I saw her walking down the pavement, I knew it was worth the wait. She looked like a "senorita" rather than a Nepali "thitee". Once we sat down and started conversing, I knew I was in for a treat. Though both of us didn't talk much, whatever conversation we had and even the silence made sense.

Here she was, who I feel is living her life to the fullest. I know "the grass is always greener on the other side" but its very difficult to live life on one's own terms in a society like ours and hats off to her. She is definitely a rebel in her own rights. She doesn't have any qualms whatsoever in voicing out her opinions and taking appropriate actions. As we were talking, the clouds got very dark and before we could even react, it started raining cats and dogs and of course, hailstones. It was a perfect setting, icing on the cake.

The invitation for a cup of coffee turned out to be 3 cups for me. Initially, I intended to stay only for an hour or 2 as I had my office but the gossip, ambiance, and the beautiful weather didn't allow us to keep track of the time. Though, it was still raining, we had no other options but to leave as I had to go to the office. You can't imagine how I hated my job at that moment. However, it was great fun and I enjoyed every sec of my walk on the rain. Though I wished that I could stop the clock for once but everything that begins has to come to an end and thats the beauty of life.

Having said that, it was probably the best Monday I've ever had. I don't even remember when was the last time I went out on any other day besides a Sunday. So, it was a change and changes are always for good. To top all of it, there was a wonderful company too. I don't know how much of a good time she had but even if she enjoyed half of what I did, I will feel glad. Well as I keep saying..."Life is a journey and you come across a lot of people. Most of them just pass by but there are a very few who leave an indelible impression." For the first time in many years, I wasn't complaining about Monday blues.

Bidding Adieu to 2007

2008-01-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

Finally, 2007 is bygone and we've already stepped into 2008. I would just like to take few minutes off and look back at the year that has passed by. Some people might think its not such a good idea as lot of us believe in "letting bygones be bygones." I want to look back not because I want to cry over my failures but I want to analyse my deeds in the year gone by and make sure that I learn from my past. I am a firm believer of "Life is the best teacher."

The year was full of highs and lows. If there were some moments that made me want to stop the clock so that I could live that moment forever, then there were also moments that made me feel suicidal. There were times when I felt like ending everything I was into and there were also times when I felt I couldn't have asked for more.

There were some broken relationships and there was also sister's marriage. If you ask me today, honestly, thats only the second instance in my life when I've felt so low or helpless. She and I were more like friends than siblings. Like everyone else, I too had my dreams and wanted her marriage to be a very special day in our life as its a once in a lifetime event and she is the only sis I have. But that was not to be. She didn't have dad's approval and I was in no position whatsoever. So, there goes, one of my biggest dreams, straight down the drains. How true it is when people say, "Time and tide waits for no one."

There is of course another relationship that gave me one hell of sleepless nights for almost half the year. Well, I always used to be this "No woman No Cry" kinda guy but like much of other things in my life, she too came unannounced. I was happy and was adjusting to the change pretty well but she vanished as quitely as she entered my life. Though it might sound a bit too cheesy but I still have my fingers crossed and silently hope that she comes back into my life. You understand the real value of a person only when he/she is not around. I went to the extent and quit smoking because she didn't like it. Honestly speaking, it was the first time I listened to anyone else other than me. Even though, she ain't around these days and haven't spoken to her for months now, I don't feel the temptation to smoke.

There were also days when I excelled, set new benchmarks for myself. There were times when people came by and patted my back. My younger brother too, is living with me and continuing his studies. Of course, life is on a bit tougher side with more stomachs to feed and the same, solo breadearner but "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going." And to add to my joys, everytime I return back home past midnight after a hard day's work, its so amazing to see that big glow on mom's face. The only reason being that all her 3 kids are around her after almost a decade.

So, what did I learn from 2007? You hardly get anything you want so whatever comes your way, you gotta either accept it or reject it. The choices are all yours and so are the consequences. That's how life is and life doesn't end with shattered dreams. Many people say, "life is not fair" but I say, "life is not meant to be fair."

So, what are my resolutions and plans for 2008? Well, I don't have any plans coz I simply live a day at a time and don't believe in planning anything for the future that I am not even sure of living. But this is what I am gonna do...I know 2008 isn't going to be a bed of roses either, there will be both good and bad times. Neither will I get carried away by the good times nor will the bad times see the end of me. One thing I am sure about is I will continue giving my 110% day in and day out coz I don't believe in doing anything half-heartedly.

Bidding adieu to 2007....I would like to wish all the best to everyone out there and Happy New Year 2008!!

One Night @ the Call Centre...

2007-12-31T02:42:00.000-08:00

We hadn't heard from each other for a while, both of us busy on our respective jobs. One fine day as I was whiling my time surfing the net in the office, having stepped in early, she called me up. After exchanging pleasantries, she told me she was reading, "One Night @ the Call Centre" and had called me up to let me know. She still remembered my desire to read the book which I had disclosed to her almost a year back. Wow! what a memory...along with the information that she had the book came the reluctance to lend it to me as she too had borrowed it. It took me another 2 minutes to coax her to lend me the book to which she finally agreed. Is there a better telemarketeer around? After about a week's wait, the book was finally in my hands.

I didn't know what to expect but my desire to read the book was totally based on the fact that I belong to the "Call centre" industry and I expected to somehow relate the story to myself. I finished it in 5 days and I must admit it was worth the read. Nibha, its a very small word but "thanks" a ton.

A dreadful month.....

2007-11-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

If I bragged about all my achievements and glories in the month of Sep, then its only fair that I talk about the very next month, coz Oct '07 too was an unforgettable one but for all the wrong reasons. Well, I honestly feel that if one is eager enough to talk about their glories or achievements then he/she should have the guts to be able to talk about failures too because failures and successes go hand in hand.

Well I will save both your time and the details coz there are very few people who would be interested in someone else's problems as each one of us have more than enough to handle our own. On the professional front, it definitely wasn't a month even worth talking about.
On the personal front, I had to take some steps that I wasn't and am not yet sure of. I will let time be the judge. Though I knew that it was coming along I guess I wasn't ready to walk the dreaded path. No matter what the ultimate outcome, one thing I am sure about is, I am not going to regret coz I know if the same situation were to reoccur 10 different times, I would do the same thing every time.

Well enough of my problems and sorrows, I just want to put it all behind me and move on. I just wanna continue giving my 110% today so that I can look forward to a better tomorrow. I hope I didn't sound like a cry baby creeping about my problems and hopefully I didn't bore you.
You can be rest assured that the next post will be lot more interesting. So, until then....adios!

Offbeat...

2007-10-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

What is life? Wikipedia defines it as: "Life is a condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects, i.e. non-life, and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally." How I wish it could be that simple. I believe this is unarguably, the most discussed topic that we've ever come across. Many writers, poets, authors have written or spoken about it. In fact, each individual has his/her own perspective towards it. The difference is some put their views in words, some talk about it and some just act on it.

For me, life's been a huge roller coaster ride with all those highs and lows. Sometimes its been a great fun and I've wished the moment never ended. There have been moments when I wished that the clock would just stop ticking but time and tide waits for none. On the other hand, more often than not, life's been so dreadful, I've been envious of the dead. It is in these dreadful situations, when I start asking all sorts of questions to myself. The one I ask myself the most is why do we need to go through all of this. I mean all of us are aware of the universal truth: death. All of us will end up being eaten by those maggots or being burnt to ashes. So why all this trouble? Why do we keep slogging our asses every single day and night? Why do we keep wanting for more? Why do we envy others' successes and always nag over our failures?

Well, I don't claim to have an answer to all of that otherwise I would definitely be the enlightened one. I am very much aware that the above questions are the most pessimistic thoughts one can come across or imagine of. As far as I am concerned, I do all that I have questioned above. I slog my ass day in and day out. I always dream and want more. I am most of the times envious of others' successes and more often than not nag over my failures or my missed opportunities. I know I am not the only one and bet all of you reading this blog do it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact I am happy that I have these feelings. These feelings are the reason why I am alive and I aspire to continue living. Even the person attempting to end his/her life will, for once, just before breathing his last, regret his/her choice to end life. The very feeling of dissatisfaction or the need for more gets us going and inspires us to do better every time. Why do you think Sachin Tendulkar scored 25,000+ runs in International Cricket and still today strives to add every single run? Would he have reached where he is today hadn't he had the greed or the hunger for runs?

Sometimes I feel why do we keep grudges against people. We have one life to live and 3/4 of that we spend on wishing ill of others. Though we might not always be wrong and it might be that other person but you'll agree with me when I say, we are not always right either. I too have had my own share of tiffs, not that I haven't tried to reconcile the differences, but in some cases, the matter go beyond your control and it's better to quit than to drag it along. At this point I just tend to remember the Serenity Prayer, "Accept the things you can't change. Have the courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the difference between the two."

To sum it up, for me life's been Home Alone, Basketball Diaries and Castaway. Fortunately, my Titanic hasn't sunk yet, and I silently hope that I continue sailing in this ocean called 'life' for another 15-20 years. Well, its just a wishful thinking. Until next time, Ciao!!

P.S. Please feel free to jot down your comments and criticisms.

Sep '07 - A month that was....

2007-10-05T03:42:00.000-07:00

Here I am, back again as promised, with something worthwhile to write about....finally. The past month was very exciting. To say that it was a wonderful month would definitely be an understatement. The very first day of the month was a cracker to begin with as I and Roshan, did a record daily billing. So, we had to celebrate and yes we did, of course with our own Royal Stag. Its like You, Me and Our Royal Stag...

That was only the beginning and mom not being around only helped us. So, there we were, billing like as if there was no tomorrow and the moment the shift ended at 10, we used to run to Grand and purchase our daily quota of R.S. and snacks.

There was also Roshan's tragic incident where a Sonofabitch stole his Prepaid card along with the pin number and was literally living off it. Well, its totally his fault and can't really blame anyone else coz who in their right mind would keep an ATM card and the paper with pin number together under the pillow, specially when you live in a shared apartment. We also happened to find out that the same SOB had been ripping him off for the past 2 months. Imagine, you have slogged your ass out for an entire month and made so many plans and at the end see it all fall apart like a house of cards. I can't really explain how he felt and what he went through during that period but one can only imagine.

Back to myself now, of course there was the 15th of September, I was so impatiently waiting for. You must be thinking, "there he goes again. I have already read about it. Not again." Well, I want to mention it here again coz I think it's an achievement for me. If you are used to smoking more than a pack of cigarettes daily and suddenly you decide to quit it, and you've been able to live up to your words, then you will definitely know what it feels like. Though this is not the first time I have attempted to quit fagging but this time the feeling itself is kinda different. Nowadays even when I am around people who smoke, I no longer have that urge or temptation to take in that single puff. Again, if you are a smoker, you'll know what I mean.

Finally, the month was nearing its end, we had a certain target to achieve and then came 25th Sep '07, when we created a new benchmark for ourselves by billing a record sum in a single day. We exceeded our target and earned ourselves 2 tickets each to movies of our choice. More than exceeding the target, the joy lied in being able to set a benchmark for myself specially when UK wasn't doing so well. A small proposition was made by the CEO just before the month ended, where if we hit a certain figure, we could earn ourselves a lunch at Mike's and of course no points for guessing, we exceeded that too.
Sometimes, I just tend to take things a bit too personally and these little things do matter a lot. Until next post, adios!!

Time Flies!!

2007-09-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

Ohh...my gosh!!! Time really flies....the last post I published was 2 yrs back...can you believe it? I had even forgotten about this blog thing. Today being a Saturday, I usually don't have much to do so I was just whiling my time away when I came across a blog. Then, I realized I too had created one some time back. I had forgotten the login details and url but I could pull it back up, thanks to blogspot, it indeed is very user friendly.

Back to myself now, looking back, these 2 yrs have been quite eventful. Though am still working in the same place but a lot has changed. Shifted to a new building, away from the hustle and bustle of Thamel. wServe has grown leaps and bounds now, still remember those days when I started the campaign with just 4 people. Now we have almost 200 people and everyone dialing for wServe. Moreover, we have started UK too. There have been ups and downs but looking back, there have been more successes than failures and that's exactly what's kept me going. Nothing is more satisfying than to nurture a sapling, see it grow to become a tree and enjoy the delicious fruit it bears. That's exactly what wServe has given me.

On the personal front too, a lot has happened. Few relationships have deteriorated beyond the point of reconciliation, some relations have just been better with every passing day and then there have been some fresh ones too. Well, I guess that's what you call life and I don't have any qualms about it. The month of September itself has been pretty eventful. The first half was spent on drinking almost every day. Then, exactly from the midnight of 15th as promised, I decided to quit smoking and haven't smoked another puff of cigarette.

Well, I need to wrap it up for now. Actually, I just wanted to rejuvenate my writing habits and of course, this blog thing. I'll definitely be back and unlike this post, the next one will not be after 2 yrs. Its gonna be a lot sooner. Cheers!!!!

Who am I??

2005-09-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hi!! Welcome back. So it worked out. There are few things where I would like to change but I guess I can't complain because I am not paying for anything.Keeping aside all the compromises that i need to make, i'll continue working on this site to give it a real nice look. so...how do I begin??
Ohh...yes, I need to start by telling abt myself. I was born in a chilly day in the December of '82 (14th to be precise). As a typical Saggi, I am optimistic, friendly, independent, honest (I hate liars),philosophical, but restless and sometimes quite careless. I passed my I.C.S.E. from West Point School, Darjeeling in 1999. After that, Iwent Dharan to pursue my further studies. After a much ado about nothing, I landed in Hattisar Campus (its not the real name) and took 3 yrs to complete my 2 yrs of Intermediate in Science. It was here that I learnt and experienced a whole lot of taboo stuffs, like narcotics, booze, formulas and what not.Well, thankfully I was never hooked unto any of those stuffs which made it very easy for me to quit them (its been more than 2 yrs I've stayed clean).For the last year and a half, I've been working in Serving Minds, a call centre in Kathmandu. I started as a Customer Service Representative and recentlyI've been promoted as a Program Supervisor. I am updating my blogger from my workstation in Serving Minds. I also got to look after my group; its been some 4-5 hrs they haven't sold, so I gotta go and get them going. I'll definitely get back in couple of days.Till then, take care.

Just checking..

2005-09-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

I dunno how well this works, but I just wanna give it a shot. You never know until you try it. Well today is Sept 3rd, a Saturday and I am typing this in my cubicle in Serving Minds. Its already 11 pm and the group has not yet made a sale..I guess they are planning to stay back till 4 am. Well there are 2 days of leave coming up with Monday as a labour day so it'll not matter much. Well I just wanna see how this works and then will work on it. So, if I like how it works...my introducton will follow. See ya then.